Well, it’s been easy on one side of it. Twig is a great nurser. She nurses quite frequently at times, but overall goes much larger intervals than Peanut ever did at this age (because Peanut had reflux). She spits up quite a bit, but I think that’s more because of a forceful let-down (she sometimes gags and coughs during nursing) and a high supply. Things seem to be calming down though, whether that’s because she’s getting used to it or my supply is naturally evening out.

The more difficult side has been Peanut. The biggest problem has been herConstant. Insistence. On. Nursing. During the first couple of weeks, she was literally asking for it more than Meredith. She didn’t get it every time that she asked (mostly because it wasn’t feasible to nurse herthat much), but I tried to give her what she needed as much as possible. I know that she was using nursing as a way to reconnect more than anything. I keep trying to tell myself that when she asks for it over and over and she has decreased the amount that she’s asking over the last couple of weeks. Regardless, it’s driving me crazy.

The secondary issue has been her latch/sucking/something. I’m honestly not sure what it is, it could just be a toddler’s nursing versus a newborn’s nursing. We’ve worked on her opening her mouth “really big” when she’s going to latch on, but even when she has all of my {huge} areola in her mouth, I still sometimes end up with teeth marks that seem closer to the nipple than they should be. I’ve also tried nursing her laid back like I do with Meredith because someone is La Leche League suggested she may be reacting to my forceful let-down (because the pain often increases when I let-down), but that doesn’t always help. The pain is far from unbearable and doesn’t leave any lasting effects (I haven’t needed to use nipple cream at all since Twig has been born), but it’sveryirritating.

So this combination of Peanut constantly requesting nursing and me being irritated when I let her nurse has brought me to a place where I didn’t think I’d ever be–I’m thinking of weaning. The other day I was actually irritated to the point where I wanted to stop letting her nurse right then an there, but after getting my cool (and reading some Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and Adventures in Tandem Nursing), I realized I don’t really want to cut her off like that. I honestly think that it would be traumatizing for her.

I am going to make some steps towards weaning though. I don’t enjoy nursing her anymore. I am outwardly irritated when we’re nursing and I’m sure she sees and feels that. It makes me feel awful that I know she knows that, but that just gives me more fuel to move towards weaning. Maybe after cutting out some of the bad parts, I’ll be happy to continue with nursing her during the good times. Hopefully cutting away the nursing times that irritate me the most will make everything better.

So I’m giving up our first thing in the morning nursing. This used to be my favorite nursing. Even when we’ve experienced difficult times in the past, that one has always been grand. It has allowed me to sleep longer and cuddle with my baby. Sadly, it’s not like that any more. Since Twig was born, this nursing session has been moving earlier and earlier in the morning and Peanut doesn’t go back to sleep after. It also often wakes me up fully because nursing isn’t comfortable. So we all end up awake and grumpy way too early in the morning. I’ve been trying to put her off (“not until the sun comes up” and “once the clock says 7:00″ and other similar things), but she just cries and eventually ends up getting out of bed. Or some of the time I give in hoping she’ll go to sleep and she doesn’t, which makes me extra irritated.

Secondly, I’m going to try to avoid nursing during the day. She’s asking to nurse at least every time that Twig nurses right now and I’m trying to distract her. This has been difficult though because she will keep asking over and over. Even when I say “Yes, in a minute” or “Once I’m done with such-and-such thing” she still asks over and over. I’ve tried distracting her with other things, but then she’ll ask again once she’s no longer distracted. I’ve mostly resorted to telling her “Mommy doesn’t want to right now” and I don’t particularly like putting it that way. I tell her it’s my body so I’m allowed to say no, but I don’t want her to feel like I’m rejecting her or that I don’t want to be around her.

So my goal at the moment is to get us down to nursing at naptime and bedtime. Once we get there, I’ll reevaluate.

Any tips for reducing toddler nursing? Things that will make me not as irritated when she is nursing? Ideas for ways to distract her or things to tell her about why we can’t right now? Especially important to me, any ideas for getting my child to not wake me up at 6am? I miss sleeping in until a normal time like 7:30 or 8!

I’m so excited to pop in while Miss Meredith gets extra snuggles from her mama!

I blog over at That Mama Gretchen about life with my toddler and our new little baby on the way. To celebrate our latest little blessing Jemma and I trekked to the library to find some books about becoming a big sister.

Jemma is a total book girl. Most days she forgoes toys to flip through books and magazines. She “ooos” and “ahhhs” at animals, families, nature scenes, and goes crazy for books with touch ‘n feel features So, although she is just 16 months, I figured books would be the best way to begin talking about the new baby that will be moving in this August.

We found 4 fabulous books that each took a different spin on welcoming a baby …

Of course, Jemma adored Where Did That Baby Come From? since it featured kitties. I loved the illustrations in There’s Going to Be a Baby and What Baby Needswas very attachment friendly as it showcased babywearing by both parents, nursing, and cosleeping. But, best of all was Pecan Pie Baby! I won’t ruin the story, but will tell you that I appreciated the way the mama responded to her child’s concerns about a new baby. This mama found a common ground for the three of them (mama, toddler, and baby) to connect is a special way. It was super sweet and I hope to find a similar way for Jemma and I to envelope a new baby into our special bond.

Rachel and Henry

Rachel’s Birth Story: An Unlikely Home Birther

If you had asked friends of mine, or family, if they ever thought I would have a home birth, the resounding answer would have been no. Before getting pregnant I was a fairly mainstream follower of medicalized health care. I had been an athlete for many years and managed overuse injuries with a slew of medications and some half hearted physiotherapy. Once I retired from sport I had surgery on my elbow and gladly filled, and consumed, the Tyelenol 3 with Codeine pills prescribed for pain.

Before getting pregnant I watched the documentary The Business of Being Born. It was fascinating. And home birth looked quite interesting but I still didn’t think it was for me.

When I got pregnant I chose to visit a midwife, an option available to women in British Columbia, Canada under federally funded health care services. I chose to see midwives over an OBGYN simply because I heard the appointments were longer and more relaxed. Later I also learned that they did home visits for the first two weeks post-partum. Bonus!

I didn’t inititally intend to have a home birth. I did hire a Doula for labor assistance but I registered at a large hospital thinking that that was where my son would be born.

Like most women pregnant for the first time I read about pregnancy and labor voraciously. I read stories in books and online. I started to notice a common theme to the hospital stories, they were full of markers of dilation, shift changes for nurses and a lot of drugs. I knew I wanted to avoid getting an epidural because the thought of a needle going into my back made me nauseous.

I also read some painful descriptions of riding in a car while in labor. My husband and I lived in an urban centre at the time and we walked every where. Getting in a car while in labor sounded terrible. I started to read more home birth stories because most of the hospital stories were scaring me.

Another factor that began to deeply change my thoughts on laboring in a hospital was that we were already spending a lot of time in hospitals. Both of my in-laws had been very ill we had spent a lot of time driving to hospitals and visiting. The thought of going to a hospital to give birth started to seem very wrong. I associated hospitals with serious illness and cancer, not bringing new life into this world.

After a lot of soul searching I brought up having a home brith with my husband. His first reaction was, won’t it be loud and messy? I told him I didn’t think so. He also asked me why I wouldn’t want to be in a hospital setting seeing as I had never had a baby before and didn’t know how hard labor would be. As a former athlete I knew that I had good focus and pain management techniques. Also, my instincts were telling me I would be much more comfortable laboring at home.

After some discussions with my Doula and midwife we decided to plan for a home birth. With our healthcare system you can transfer to a hospital at any time so there are no financial repercussions (or pressures) if you end up having a hospital birth.

We told almost no one about our plan. My sister knew and I had told a few work colleagues. I knew most of my family would have negative opinions about my choice so I decided to keep it to myself.

At 38 weeks and 2 days my water broke. Unexpected for sure. I had been reminded time and time again that first baby’s come late. I was still working at the time and 48 hours before my water broke I had been in another country (Seattle – I am from Vancouver, Canada).

In typical low-key Westcoast fashion I went into work to finish a few things. My coworkers were slightly horrified that I had come in after my water had broken. But I wasn’t having any contractions and knew it might be a while. Also, I wanted to officially put my out-of-office reply on – no more work for me!

We did end up going to the hospital because I had tested positive for Strep B. I got a bag of antibiotics, a few more to take home so the midwives could come and adminster them later, and a small vial of a tincturn to help me go into labour.

On the way home we picked up our home birth kit, got labor snacks and had lunch at Whole Foods and I took my first labor cocktail (tincturn, castor oil, juice, peanut butter). I mixed the cocktail right in the Whole Foods cafe and downed it.

The home birth went off mostly without a hitch. My midwives visited me twice to administer IV antibiotics and see how I was progressing. I labored in the dark in my home doing a lot of swaying and listening to an awesome playlist of Ray La Montagne and the Weepies. My doula arrived and put me through a mini bootcamp of lunges with one leg on a stool. My husband rubbed my back and was generally amazing.

Because of my GBS+ diagnosis and ruptured membranes my care providers had wanted to avoid internal exams to reduce risk of infection. My midwives arrived at my home at 5am to adminster another does of antibiotics and they gave me my first internal exam. 10 cms. I literally pumped my fist in excitment. After my IV I went to labor on the toilet and started to have pushing contractions. My team got me up onto my bed and a few minutes later my son arrived.

It was amazing.

While I was not the most likely person to choose home birth I am now a big proponent of it for women that want the option and are good candidates. It can be safe and it can be a very healthy experience for mother and child.

In the last two years I’ve made some remarkable changes to my lifestyle, reducing possessions and debt and gaining more time and space in my life. It’s been wonderful. When I think about what gave me the confidence to make these changes I think about making that decision to have a home birth. It wasn’t easy to do something I knew family and friends wouldn’t agree with. It wasn’t easy but it was so empowering. Making such a big decision, and having it be successful, has given me more confidence in my body and my instincts.

I know home birth isn’t for every woman not only because medical complications but because many women will feel more comfortable in a hospital than their home. But I wish the option, the choice, was there for every woman.

Rachel Jonat writes about living a rich life with less stuff at The Minimalist Mom.

Simplicity is not the name of the game when it comes to new baby gear. If you were to ask any random mom on the street what her must haves for a new baby are, she might possibly prattle of a list that would rival the length of the Mississippi River. Creative marketing but major corporations along with societal norms put a lot of pressure on new parents to have all of the latest and greatest gadgets, toys, baby care items, and nursery items at the ready when they bring their new bundle of joy home. Parents are made to feel inadequate and quite frankly like a bad parents if their baby does not have every item on the standard baby registry.

I admit that I fell prey to this initially. I certainly registered for baby items that I never used and did not know that I would not really need. In these very tight financial times, parents are having to get more and more creative about what they purchase. Sure, you can look online for used bargains, shop at second hand stores, and borrow items from friends, but the fact of the matter is you will probably still end up with a lot of items you and your baby do not really need.

In the spirit of the new life Momma Jorje has birthed, I thought I would share a few things I have learned along the way about what new parents REALLY need and what things big box baby stores are pushing on you that you can do without. I also included my top 5 things that I am on the fence about.

Top 5 things you NEED

1. Somewhere for the baby to sleep. This is a long topic in and of itself but in a nutshell, you need to figure out where your baby will sleep. If you plan on co-sleeping, do not waste money on a crib that you will never use. This is exactly what I did. I bought a crib that my daughter (Tiny) never used. Not once. Luckily the crib converted to a full size bed. So at least the money wasn’t totally wasted. The top of the line organic mattress? I gifted that to a friend. At least it went to a nice home. Anyway – if you are undecided about whether or not you will be co-sleeping long term, at least wait to purchase the crib or get one that converts to a full size bed so your money isn’t completely wasted should you never need the crib. If you do not plan on co-sleeping, then by all means, get a crib. You might also look into a bassinet or a co-sleeper for when your baby is a newborn. You will not want your baby all the way on the other side of the house when he or she is waking up every hour or two for those first couple of months. If you are using a crib, I suggest that you outfit it with 2 water proof mattress pads, two fitted sheets, 1 lightweight blanket, and 1 medium weight blanket both wool. Having two mattress pads and fitted sheets allows you to have a spare should your baby soil her bedding in the middle of the night. No reason for a midnight wash and dry session. For the blankets, I suggest that you get ones that are not newborn size. Your newborn baby will not use blankets so get something a little larger. Chances are, your one year old will not even use blankets. Little ones are notorious for kicking covers off. It is still good to have them for use in a carseat or stroller, if you use one. Wool is worth the investment because it adjusts to temperature changes by keeping you warm or cool, it absorbs moisture, and it repels odors.
2. A car seat. Duh. Based on my personal experience, I suggest that you invest in a convertible car seat. These car seats are expensive but you will only need one and many of them will last from birth until your child is 60 pounds. I purchased the Britax Advocate CS and love it. Tiny will probably not hit 60 pounds until she is in high school so we will get a lot of use out of this one! 
3. One of the many baby wearing options out there. I had two…a Moby Wrap which I used when we were indoors and a Beco which I used for walks. I switched to using the Beco exclusively once Tiny was about 10 months old. It supported her better. If you aren’t into baby wearing then you certainly will need a stroller of some sort. Even if you baby wear, if you plan on doing a lot of outdoor activities, then invest in a decent jogging stroller. I didn’t start using a stroller until Tiny was about 8 months old and even then, it was only for really long walks. To this day, she still runs errands on my back, in the Beco.
4. Basic health supplies. i.e. thermometer, nasal aspirator, nail clippers, etc… You will need these at some point in time. If you give birth in a hospital, there are a lot of these sorts of items that you can steal help yourself to. I made sure that I left with two nasal aspirators. Brilliant on my part since I lost one just a couple of months after Tiny was born.
5. Diapers. I am an advocate for cloth diapering. You can read my post about cloth diapers HERE. Regardless of whether you choose cloth, disposables, or elimination communication, you will need diapers.

Top 5 Things You Do NOT Need

1. YOU DO NOT NEED THAT SUPER FANCY, SUPER EXPENSIVE crib bedding set! Really, you don’t. Your baby won’t care about it and you will not use the set long enough for it to make sense spending the money on one. Yes, you will be in nesting mode and REALLY want that cute bedding set that costs $300 but you can do without it. Really, you can. Spend the money on an organic mattress and organic sheets and blankets instead. Plus those crib bumpers are very dangerous according to recent studies. It is possible for your child to suffocate if he or she becomes lodged against it.
2. You do not need special towels for your baby. The towels and washcloths you use on yourself will work just fine. I never used a baby towel on Tiny. They were too thin and in my opinion, not nearly warm enough for a small baby.
3. A special infant bath tub. The first month will pretty much be sponge baths and after that, just get in the tub or the shower with your baby. If you are uncomfortable with that idea, then baby can bathe in the sink. No big deal. Those infant bath tubs only fit the baby for a few months anyway so they are a super huge waste of money.
4. Toys. Seriously. Your baby wants to be with you. They are not interested in toys yet. A few items made from natural fibers and materials will suffice. A small cloth doll, a silk scarf, a felt or cloth ball, a long wooden block to chew on, a set of wood keys, and maybe one or two small cloth or wooden animals.
5. Doorway jumper. After much research, I discovered that these are really bad for baby. They actually can delay walking as well as cause injuries both from improper use as well as random accidents.

Top 5 Things I Am On The Fence About

1. Changing table. I do have one and find it super convenient in terms of storing diaper supplies. It also saves my back and knees from constantly having to get down on the floor to do a diaper change. I am lucky in that Tiny still (at 2 ½ years) wants to be changed on the changing table (she only wears diapers at naps and nighttime). Most children despise it once they are mobile. So maybe you will get a year or so out of it. Personally, I found a great deal and the small investment paid off in storage capacity alone.
2. Swings/Bouncers/Etc. if you plan on baby wearing, you probably won’t get much use out of these items. However, some parents feel more comfortable having someplace cozy to secure baby when mom needs a shower or is having a meal. Try to borrow or buy used as the cost versus length of use doesn’t usually pay off.
3. Rocking Chair. I happen to LOVE my rocking chair. It is one of my favorite places to breastfeed and rock Tiny to sleep. However, if I had to, I could live without it. As long as you have a comfortable chair, you can make it work. You do not have to have some fancy chair to rock your baby. You can sway back and forth in any number of positions to create a rocking effect. I bought a super inexpensive “reclining/swiveling/rocking office style” chair from Big Lots and it works just as well as any glider.
4. Pack and Play. We received one as a gift and well, never had a need for it. The idea of one is nice, especially for travel and possibly as an alternate location for naps. They can also be a great co-sleeping option if you are not comfortable having your newborn in bed with you. So they do have some benefits. I suggest that you leave it in the package and keep the receipt until you get baby home and see whether or not you will really need it. (It only takes a few minutes to set up so resist that nesting urge to unpack it!)
5. Diaper Wipe Warmer. I made my own diaper wipes and did like the diaper wipe warmer for storing the wipes. However, I do not think it is crucial. The wipes aren’t THAT cold and you can always warm them between your hands or run a little warm water over them.

And there you have it! My thoughts on things. What are some of your must haves and what could you do without????

Photo Credits:
Baby Room:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/justinliew/4145611385/
Bath Center: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dazed81/3178023785/
Babywearing: http://www.flickr.com/photos/44068064@N04/5063884868/in/photostream

Jennifer, author of Hybrid Rasta Mama, is a former government recruiter turned stay-at-home mama to a precious daughter (“Tiny”) brought earthside in early 2009. She lives in the Sacramento, CA area with her husband and various pets and is passionate about breastfeeding (especially extended breastfeeding), bed-sharing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, cloth diapering, green living, babywearing, peaceful parenting, a Waldorf approach to education and parenting, playful parenting, getting children outside, natural health, holistic medicine, as well as cooking and eating Real/Traditional Foods. A life-long lover of reggae music, Jennifer takes a little of this and a little of that and blends it all together into something that works for her family. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, Google +, and Pinterest.

One of my first days all by myself with two children. Carrying them both in from the car sleeping.

All throughout the first week postpartum, I kept thinking how easy it was in comparison to what I thought it was going to be like. I was staying on top of things, my physical healing was much easier this time around, and emotionally I was feeling fantastic given all the hormones adjusting in my body. My husband was home, so he could help with Peanut. My friends and family were coming over and graciously offering to do housework for us. Twig was sleeping the majority of the day and surprisingly well at night (beyond the first night where she was awake for 5 hours in the night, she only woke a few times for an hour or so). I was getting to shower. My house was more messy, but not a catastrophe. Even Peanut, who wasn’t handling her world changing so dramatically well at all, was something I was able to handle.

Then everyone left.

My husband went back to work. People, for the most part, stopped coming over to visit. My in-laws went out of town and my mother went back to work. It’s like all my help was pulled out from under me all at once. Kaboom! Everyone’s gone.

But isn’t that how it works in our society? In other cultures, it’s normal to “baby” the mother, but in ours the focus is immediately shifted from the pregnant mom to the newborn, leaving little to no attention to the newly postpartum mother (thanks to Best of Babes for linking the article on Facebook). During a very difficult time in her life, both emotionally and physically, no one has much interest in her. Everyone wants to hold the baby, just occasionally asking the mom how she’s doing without any real interest.

Of course this is a more severe case than most of us experience. I had some wonderful people who came to visit and brought me dinner, cleaned my house, and just sat and talked with me. I am very thankful of all of the lovely people in my life. Just the act of listening does so much for a new mother.

But that’s just it, I’m still newly a mom of two. I’m still figuring out how to balance two children at once, one who is incredibly needy because she’s so new to this world and one who is incredibly needy because her world is now so new to her. I’m still trying to heal myself, especially in terms of my emotional health, which appears to be spiraling downward as time goes on (more on that in another post and don’t worry, I’m getting help). My house is becoming a bigger and bigger mess by the day, which just adds to these difficulties. Yet no one shows interest any more.

People have offered to come help, but I never take them up on it. I don’t know if it’s just me or a reflection of our society, but I find it very difficult to say “Yes, come do my dishes for me.” When people show up at my house and just start doing my dishes I even feel guilty. I don’t know why I’m so unwilling to actually ask for help either. I keep thinking of all the people who have offered and would happily come over and play with Peanut or vacuum my living room, but I can’t get myself to call. For some reason, the idea of calling actually makes me feel a little teary-eyed. That’s probably just the PPD though.

I honestly don’t even know the purpose of this post. My brain isn’t functioning fully at the moment, which makes sense. I guess I just wished that our society took care of new moms better. I wish people realized that it’s not just hard for the first couple of weeks, but rather for the first couple of months (if not more). I wish people cared more about the family as a whole rather than just the new baby.

I’ll leave you all with this great post from Code Name: Mama about things you can do for parents of a newborn.

In my own experience, art and breastfeeding were interdependent. After earning a Ph.D. in art history, I made the decision to stay at home for several years with our young children. The abrupt change from promising graduate student / scholar to stay-at-home mom was challenging, to say the least. My personal and professional identities felt submerged beneath the high needs of nursing infants and toddlers. Psychologist Shari Thurer dramatically describes this phenomenon, how in some ways the new mother ceases to exist. “She exists bodily, of course, but her needs as a person become null and void. On delivering a child, …her personal desires either evaporate or metamorphose so that they are identical with those of her infant. Once she attains motherhood, a woman must hand in her point of view” (Thurer 2007, 335). While saving my sanity might be too strong a characterization, I did return to printmaking after a ten-year hiatus as a way to chronicle my mothering situation and to regain some semblance of my own separate being.

I began with a series of family portraits, based on drawings and then cut into linoleum blocks. My sketchbook from that time shows page after page of my youngest child nursing, a time when I could capture her mostly still form, holding her with one hand and drawing with the other. In some drawings, she regards me alertly as she nurses; in others, her eyelids get heavy, or she drops off to sleep. The drawings that inspired the Untitled (Sharing) (2007) prints were a catalyst, prompting me to see our breastfeeding relationship as a nurturing collaboration that has since inspired a range of art work on critical issues of mothering.

My extended print series, The Food Landscape (2008-09), visually narrates the end of my breastfeeding journey. My youngest was slow to start solid foods. She had no interest in the bland rice cereal, oatmeal, or anything else, although admittedly, I didn’t try very hard. I was pretty happy with the ease of the nursing relationship. At an appointment when she was 8-1/2 months old, though, the nurse very nearly panicked upon learning that my child was not yet eating solids. “She needs to learn how to eat,” she said. “You need to teach her to eat.” The child was happy and healthy, but clearly, I was failing. It being my third child, though, I smiled and said nothing. A week later, she started eating solids, on her own, in her own time. So much for the anxiety. At that point, I began keeping a daily food log, documenting everything she ate, the seed of a future project. What became The Food Landscape is a series of nearly 300 screen prints, one for each day, from the time my youngest began eating solids at 9 months, until she weaned at 17 months. For each day’s print, the foods she ate are the actual inks, pressed through the screen to reveal their natural pigments. The prints chart her gradually changing nutritional intake: in the early months, the food-image takes up very little space on the page, but by the late months, as she nursed less and less, the food occupies most of the page. The image is an abstracted one, the curvilinear shape of her mouth recorded in a series of drawings I did while she nursed, but the striations of food have often evoked for me a physical landscape, as well as the details of her own culinary landscape. When exhibiting one representative work for each month, the prints show the progression as the food gradually takes priority over the breast milk. In its finished form, each month of prints constitutes its own accordion-fold book. Shelves full of books, cataloging a period of growth.

From its inception, The Food Landscape struck me as a collaboration. The decision to introduce solid foods to my child’s diet ultimately was not mine alone, but one that required her input. She was the one guiding the process, helping to decide how quickly her diet would change and how slowly she would reduce her intake of breastmilk. While this may initially sound like an odd reversal of power, in that first year of her life, it evolved as a completely natural process of sharing. In large part, I believe this occurred as a result of our mostly, though perhaps unintentionally, attachment-parenting approach. My partner and I took a collaborative approach to child-rearing not only between the two of us as parents, but also as a family unit, focusing in our decision-making on the best interests of the entire family. As the primary caregiver, though, for me attachment parenting, or perhaps simply parenting, also resulted in a transitional state of identity. While I did not begrudge it, most of the time, for many months my own identity seemed lost amid responding to the high needs of a nursing infant.

My production of The Food Landscape series echoed the collaborative nature of its inception in a very literal way as little hands tried to guide the process. Prior to this series, printmaking was for me a solitary endeavor, a time when I could leave the house and immerse myself in the inking, wiping, printing, cleaning. The food prints were different. I had a screen at home and my workspace was, aptly, our dining room table. Because my workspace was so public a part of our family space, my children were natural and willing participants. They loved the food prints. They inquired curiously about the green and yellow and orange and purples mixtures, trying to guess their food origins. They came to watch as I pulled the print, to see how the colors would come through the screen. And they seemed to understand this conceptual project, excited that it actually had something to do with them. I brought them into this other part of my life, merging our worlds together. As much as my own self ceased to exist, in Shari Thurer’s words, in those months of nursing, the print realization of it cried out for collaboration.

I have come to view the prints of The Food Landscape as inhabiting part of an ‘in between’ space of the mother-child collaboration. During their creation, I read the food prints at times as a critical commentary on my mothering (how did I let her go for four days with no greens in her diet?), while at other times, their repetitive production seemed an ironic parallel to the domestic maternal life: just as each of the prints re-enacted a daily intake of food, so, too, did its production symbolize the daily rituals of domestic life at home with children. Each of the prints required extensive food preparation, and each required significant clean-up. Pulling the print itself, however, took almost no time at all. More than once I noticed the parallel to mealtime, where the time spent in preparation and clean-up far outweighs the few minutes spent eating the food. In that same vein, though, the food prints felt comfortable, familiar, a symbolic extension of what I do every day.

The ‘in-between’ space of the nursing collaboration is a temporary state, and the food prints reflect that. I have known from the start that working with natural food pigments is problematic, for I am fairly certain that the colors will be fugitive. I will limit their exposure to light, but even so, I doubt that the prints will survive for posterity. Then again, that’s not really the point. Regardless of the end product, the greater part of the project was the ritual of the production itself, commemorating a time in my child’s life that will never come again, celebrating her growth, marking the end of our nursing collaboration and the end of my years as a nursing mother. In many ways, the production of this series spoke to parts of the mother-child collaboration that I would not have anticipated. While I initially envisioned the project as being about my daughter and a certain period of her growth, I suppose I should not have been surprised to discover, along the way, that the project became about both of us.

Rachel Epp Buller is a feminist-art historian-printmaker-mama of three whose art and scholarship focus on critical issues of mothering. She coordinates a chapter of The Feminist Art Project (tfapkansas.wordpress.com), teaches at Bethel College, and is the author/editor of, among other texts, Reconciling Art and Mothering (Ashgate, 2012) and Mennonite Mothering (Demeter Press, 2013). Her work can be seen at http://balance.ddtr.net

We started off the new month with Twig on the inside and ended with her outside. It’s surreal to think of it that way.

Peanut and I spent the first 19 days of the month having all the mommy-daughter time we could in anticipation of no longer being a family of three and all the changes that brings. We watched movies and cuddled on the couch, we went to the library, we cleaned house together, and we watched lots of birth videos. You loved watching the birth videos and talking about how the baby was going to come out of mommy’s tummy soon.

On the 20th, Twig decided to grace us with her presence and she certainly did it with a bang. Less than three hours of labor and nine and a half pounds of bang. Peanut was there and helping through the whole labor and was instantly in love with her new baby sister.

The rest of the month was spent adjusting to being a family of four. Peanut had a bit of a hard time and there were lots of emotional outbursts and some defiance, but none of it was ever directed at Twig. Quite on the contrary, Peanut, you wanted to spend all your time kissing, cuddling, and especially nursing with Twig.

Twig, you seem to be very content with life outside the womb. You nurse like a champ and you love spending most of your day being held by mommy in a carrier. Of course, you spent most of the end of January sleeping, but when you were awake you were amazingly alert. Everyone’s astonished how well you hold up your head for a newborn and at your two week appointment (technically in February) you had already gained 1 pound and 1 ounce.

Just like everyone said it would, my heart swelled when Twig was born, giving me the amazing ability to love both of you each individually as much as I loved Peanut before, then some more on top of that to be able to love the both of you as sisters too. I had absolutely nothing to worry about in that department. I’m so happy that I have two beautiful little girls and I know that your love for each other will just grow with time. I’m ecstatic that we’re opening this new chapter in our lives.

Love,
Mama

Photos by Cat Palmer.

This is my birthing tub, otherwise known as an AquaDoula. My midwife lent it to me in preparation for the planned home-birth of my first child. My husband and I  decided against having an ultrasound, so we didn’t know the sex of our baby. My pregnancy was text-book perfect, so we were excellent candidates for a homebirth.

I was due on 09/09/09. That day came and went with no baby. On 09/16/09, I went to my midwife for another appointment. By this time  I had had two “false labors”  and had been having Braxton-Hick contractions for two weeks. At my appointment, I was 100% effaced (a new development) but still only 2cm dilated (I had been 2cm dilated since 09/09/09).

The appointment went well. I went home,  having small, pathetic contractions and just a little cramping for the rest of the day.  Around 10:00 pm the contractions changed.  It was obvious to me that the contractions were not going away, that I would not be going to sleep that night, and that I was going to have the baby soon. I wanted to time the contractions, but I really didn’t know how. Was I supposed to start timing when my tummy got tight? When the pain started? Did I end when I could breathe or when my tummy felt smooshy again?

At 10:22pm I called the midwife and told her this was it. She asked me a few questions, told me to take a shower and keep her updated. DH started filling up the AquaDoula . He hooked the hose up to the washer, but the hose’s connection wasn’t tight enough so he had to unhook it and get a different hose. Once he got that hose hooked up he started filling up the tub but the hot water ran out way before the tub was filled up. I got in anyway, by now the contractions were very crampy and quite painful. Ben started heating water up on the stove, hauling it up the stairs and dumping it into the pool. He was still trying to time the contractions (Which were really easy to time now since the pain and tightness came at the same time and were very distinct. These contractions were obvious, there was no ignoring them) and do everything I asked him to do. Poor DH, he was running all over the place.

The hot water came back on and DH finished filling up the AquaDoula. With all the boiled water he had dumped in the pool was about 100 degrees. I got back in and could feel my muscles relaxing. The water was amazing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a water birth, but I knew I wanted the option. Once I was in the water there was no question: I wanted a waterbirth. Still, between contractions I liked getting out and lying on the bed. If I had a contraction in the water, it was fine, if I had one on the bed, it was VERY painful. I walked a lot between the pool and the bed.  This was about the same time the midwives showed up. They checked me (on the bed) and I was at 6. They listened to the baby’s heart rate (great!) and checked the position of the head. They said it was a lot lower than it was at the appointment that afternoon. I was still moving around a lot and the midwife commented that I should stay in one position to conserve energy. I just couldn’t! I moved to the toilet but that didn’t help, so I decided to get back into the pool. Once again, as soon as I got in I relaxed. The midwife tried to guide my breathing and that helped a lot. I had somehow pictured that I would be silent during labor, but that was just not the case. At first I was quiet, concentrating on deep breathing and relaxing, but by the time I was at 6cm I could not keep quiet. This time in the pool I was able to find a position I liked. I was mostly on my knees (but in water, so I was relaxed) leaning over the edge.

It didn’t take long for me to have the urge to push with each contraction. This worried me, since I had planned to push as little as possible. My biggest fear was tearing, so I wanted to let my body do all the work. When I told the midwife I wanted to push she said to push a little and if it felt good, keep doing it. If it hurt, it meant my cervix was swelling and I needed to not push for a while. I did a few little pushes (still hesitantly) and it felt wonderful! It felt like I could push the contractions away. I started pushing more and the midwife said she wanted to check to see where I was. I was at 9cm! It took less than an hour to go from 6 to 9!

Sometime during all this someone had turned off the light. The hall light was still on, giving a very cave-like feeling to the room. They also put a flashlight inside the tub so they could see the water (and me, I assume, wouldn’t want to miss anything!) and make sure everything was fine. I loved it. I have always loved swimming in pools at night, with the pool lights on, glowing underwater and making the ripples reflect on the ceiling and walls. That’s exactly what it was like. No one talked except in a whisper when they needed something or asked a question. It was perfect. It was so much better than I had planned.

At this point the contractions really changed. I knew I was going through transition. Even in the warm water, this part hurt. A lot. I tried to ride the contractions, to use them, but there were a few times it felt like they would bury me. I tried to concentrate on the sounds my midwife was telling me to make, and I could do it most of the time, but a few times I couldn’t get my breathe or just felt too overwhelmed. I felt tired, but still optimistic.  I know what I was doing was hard, but I still knew I could do it. At one point, I asked myself  if I wanted to do this. Did I want to get in the car, drive to the hospital and get an epidural to take away the pain? The answer was no. I didn’t want to get out of the water, I couldn’t stand the thought of getting in a car, and even though it hurt, I knew I was safe. I was relaxed, focused, and surrounded by people I trusted.  Even during transition, I knew I had made the best possible choice for me and that not only could I do this, but this was the best way for me to do it.

I reached down and felt the head. It was so close! I was pushing hard with every contraction and trying to feel if I was making any progress. It felt like it was taking forever but it could have only been 3 or 4 contractions later when the head was right there. I grabbed DH’s hand and made him feel. It felt slick; the water sack had not yet broken.

Suddenly I felt the baby kick! Here I was, in full labor, minutes away from delivering, and my baby was kicking!  I was so surprised!

I remember realizing that the rest between contractions was getting longer. I felt that the head was coming more to the front. I knew I was getting close. During a rest periods I stayed down in the water with my eyes closed telling myself that this next push would make the head crown. I geared myself up for the contractions and when it came I pushed hard. There was a “pop” and I gasped. Not only was the contraction gone in an instant and I felt that I had fallen off of it, but I knew my water had broken!

The next contraction I could feel the baby’s head start to crown. I didn’t want to push it out, I was still afraid of tearing. There were a few contraction where I would push, but then the head would go back and I would have to start again. After a little while of this I felt like I should lay back. I did and was floating on my back in the water. I pushed hard, griping Melissa’s hand and I felt the ring of fire. It burned. It BURNED!. One more push (And it felt like a long and terrible push) and the head was out! I gasped and kept asking DH if he could see it, which was a ridiculous thing to ask since, what else would he be looking at? Besides, he was the one catching. He was RIGHT THERE.

I tried to catch my breath and wait for the next contraction. I was also still in shock from how much that last one hurt and that we were so close to being done! And then the baby started squirming. I couldn’t believe it! The baby was twisting the shoulders and even started kicking. It’s something I will never forget.

The next contraction came (not as bad) and out came the rest of the body. I couldn’t believe it! We had a baby! DH caught it and brought it out of the water. The cord was surprisingly short, so I had to be careful not to pull it, but still keep the baby’s head out of the water. The baby was beautiful! Dark hair, wide eyes! I don’t know how long DH and I just sat there, holding our baby and staring, but at some point I realized the midwife was draining the pool so I could sit down (I was bracing myself up out the water to keep the baby’s face above water) and at some point she told me that I would have another contraction and needed to push the placenta out. That was not what I wanted to hear. But, when the next contraction came I pushed just a little and the placenta came out just fine. It wasn’t bad at all.

Finally, the midwife asked if we were going to check if it was a boy or a girl. DH and I looked at each other and he slowly moved the cord out of the way. It was a girl! A baby girl! A daughter. A perfect, healthy baby daughter.

Her birth was perfect, the best experience of my life.