Tag Archives: Guilt

The Guilt

There’s a war going on in the midst of the mothering world—breastfeeding versus formula feeding. I may be biased as a breastfeeder, but I feel that the formula feeders have more hate. When advocating for breastfeeding rights, I never say “oh, you should have tried harder” or “you’re an awful mom because you formula feed” (because it’s the system’s fault, not the moms), but it seems like no matter what I say it is taken that way. I blame this on The Guilt.

Recently, I tweeted about a study I found:

I basically just shortened the title and posted a link. Immediately afterwards, I had a “Twitter argument” with @madamemenu about correlation versus causation and the like which ultimately ended in a “agree to disagree” type of thing. It was not until a week or so ago that I found out I was prominently mentioned in this post by Fearless Formula Feeder. Once again, it was misinterpreted that I was trying to make causation when saying “more likely” directly equals correlation in my mind, but that isn’t the point. The point is this constant war between formula feeding and breastfeeding moms.

Breastfeeding moms who often struggle to get to the point they are at with breastfeeding and formula feeding moms who likely turned to formula because of the same struggles—it would make a perfect team. So why do we decide to hate each other rather than band together to fight the system? I blame The Guilt.

I realize most of the people who read my blog breastfeed, but play along with me here. As a lactivist, I always look at breastfeeding and pregnancy and think about all of the formula ads I saw, the cans of formula that were sent to my house, the bag of formula they gave me at the hospital, et cetera. Imagine you formula feed/fed your baby. From this perspective, rather than being bombarded with ads for formula, you’re instead bombarded with constant messages that breast is best—implying you’re not doing the best for your baby. No matter what your reasoning is for chosing to not breastfeed, being told you’re not doing the best for your child will make you feel The Guilt. No matter how true it is, you start to resent those ads and eventually even the women who do breastfeed. You feel judged. You feel angry. You feel The Guilt.

As many of you know, I co-sleep. I have thoroughly researched the benefits of co-sleeping and have done everything I can to eliminate the risks. I am entirely convinced this is the correct decision for my family and I quite often discuss the benefits of co-sleeping with others as well as how to eliminate risks. That said, I still occasionally feel The Guilt. The American Academy of Pediatrics (the same organization I quite often cite for their breastfeeding recommendations) says it’s not safe. So does the Consumer Product Safety Commission. No matter how convinced I am that this is the right decision for my family, being told that it isn’t the best or safest makes me feel that same guilt, feel that same judgment, and feel that same burning fury in my chest that wants to kill any person who dare claim I am endangering my child.

In my lactivism, I never try to make a formula feeding mom feel guilty. Every time before I write a post, tweet, or even comment on someone else’s blog I contemplate two things: 1. Do I sound accusitory to formula feeding moms? How will my statements be read from the other side? While at the same time walking the fine line of 2. Am I sugar coating it for formula feeding mom’s benefit? Am I in any way implying that formula feeding is just as good a breastfeeding? I don’t want to tip toe around The Guilt and give soon-to-be or one-day-to-be moms the impression that they don’t even need to try. I want them to understand that sometimes breastfeeding is really, really difficult in the beginning and some moms don’t get the proper support to get to that point where it’s easy breezy, but that just means they need to try to surround themselves with the support and do as much as they can to educate themselves before they’re in the middle of it all.

Lactivism is not meant to cause guilt, it’s meant to prevent it.

IMHO: Breastfeeding

This is such a difficult subject to talk about with other moms. You find two types of reactions (from formula feeding moms): guilt and anger. I recently went to visit an old friend from High School. Breastfeeding isn’t something I’m just going to start preaching because I believe every woman has the right to choose (though I will try to have you make an informed decision), but when I started breastfeeding Peanut, she started talking. She told me about how she tried and tried and it just didn’t work. She felt so guilty. She wishes she would have tried harder. It breaks my heart to have to hear this. I never, never think that it is the mothers fault when they actually tried to breastfeed and it didn’t work. Society is not geared toward the breastfeeding woman, formula companies are constantly pushing their product on new mothers, and most mothers don’t get the support they need from doctors, hospitals, or even their family.

The second emotion is anger. Though I would have thought that guilt and anger coincide, they generally come from two completely different people. I’ve only experienced it a few times, but it has happened. Sometimes it’s an angry glare from another mom when I’m feeding my daughter in a public place, sometimes it’s angry people on the internet (it’s amazing what people say when you can’t see their face) and I’ve even experienced it from my own mother (who breastfed exclusively with me until her doctor misinformed her). I do feel that the anger stems from the guilt, but that’s another story.

The sad thing about most women who don’t breastfeed is the ignorance. They don’t know all of the benefits of breastfeeding: from the little things like better smelling poo to the big things like less ear infections and higher IQ. They don’t understand the bond that me and my daughter get from the fact that I sustain her life with my own body. I feel that it’s other women’s anger and guilt that make breastfeeding mothers get ridiculed for feeding their children in public, why women get arrested for offending the officers, why I no longer speak to someone who was a very dear friend to me.

Don’t get me wrong, formula has it’s place (though I agree that a milkbank would be better). One of my friends supplemented while her milk came in for her adopted child, another friend couldn’t breastfeed for weeks because she almost died while giving birth, so many stories where formula was a life saver. That’s what it was invented to be: a life saver. Instead it is used as an easy way out. It is devastating to our future.

Inform yourself. Be ready for adverse reactions. Know your facts and you will do the one of the best things you possibly can for your child. Breastfeeding doesn’t make you a better mom, formula feeding doesn’t make you a worse mom. It’s simply knowing what’s best for baby.