Tag Archives: Postpartum

Postpartum Aggression

Image courtesy of http://www.changingpeople.co.uk/

When I was pregnant with Peanut, I was fully prepared to deal with a severe case of postpartum depression once she entered this world. Considering my history of depression, some of which I was still dealing with during my actual pregnancy, I figured I was a shoo-in for PPD. I had extra visits scheduled with my midwife, therapy sessions pre-booked, and I surrounded myself with a great support system–particularly my wonderful husband who had not only seen me at my worst, but also studied up the symptoms of PPD because they’re not always as obvious as regular ol’ depression.

Then I totally skipped over it.

I had a minor case of the baby blues, but it passed quickly. I’ll be honest, I was partially convinced it was all my preparation. I was also partially convinced it was my new attitude as a mother. I thought that when you have a life to care for, you just can’t be that self involved. That’s not fair to the moms who do have PPD or any sort of other mental illness. It’s not self absorption. I, of all people, should know this.

So imagine my surprise when it didn’t skip over me this time.

Originally I didn’t even recognize it. I didn’t feel sad. I thought that meant I didn’t have postpartum depression. Depression = sad, right? Not necessarily. PPD can also manifest itself in anger.

For me, the best way I can describe it is sudden, intense rage. Sadly, it was mostly directed at Peanut. That meant that it was immediately followed my crippling guilt. Both of these feelings are signs of PPD. Feelings of sadness or depression aren’t necessarily required for PPD. Though I think I would have had more sad feelings if I didn’t decide to encapsulate my placenta, which at the time was more for the milk supply benefits than the PPD benefits. I had no idea how much it would help me mentally that I made that decision. I definitely notice a difference in what I can handle on days that I forget to take my pill (just one because I decided to do the raw method).

Without the obvious signs of depression, I didn’t recognize it as such. Instead I was just convinced I had a tyrant for a child and a short temper. It was reasonable enough to think those things considering a new baby puts everyone on edge, but this assumption doesn’t solve anything. It turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Peanut being defiant, though really in retrospect not any more so than she was before Twig was born, and me knowing it was coming and exploding in anger when it did. I was screaming all of the time. One day a hanger fell down in her closet and I asked her to bring it to me so I could hang a shirt on it, but she ignored me and started trying to put it back where it went. I started screaming at her. She was trying to fix it and I yelled at her for it. Then and there I knew that this couldn’t be normal.

I started asking on Twitter and it was quickly confirmed that this was indeed PPD. It wasn’t normal. I didn’t have to just keep dealing with it. Somehow, that alone helped me immensely. Just to realize that it wasn’t Peanut’s fault, but my own thing I needed to deal with. I started seeing my therapist again and that’s helped too. I’ve also realized what I need to do to keep myself mentally at my best, which includes, for me, a clean house. Not knowing where things are and having clean clothes and needing to clean the toilet nagging at the back of my mind is too much for me. So my house is back to it’s pre-Twig level of cleanliness and I’m happy for it. Yeah, I could spend more time relaxing or playing if I weren’t cleaning, but it’s what I need to do to stay happy. I think acknowledging what I need in my life to be happy is very helpful.

All in all, the postpartum aggression (as I like to call it) seems to be leveling out. I’ve been taking my placenta pills religiously because days when I miss it are definitely harder, but even those days aren’t explosive like they used to be. I still feel awful that Peanut was at the center of so much of the aggression, but the more I talk about it in therapy, the more I realize it wasn’t actually her or anything she did. I still love my first daughter as much as I did before I had my second and she hasn’t changed. She just got the short stick by being the person who I’m around the most. Luckily our relationship seems to be back to where it’s supposed to be at and we’re both better off.

I guess the end message is that postpartum depression isn’t just depression. If you’re feeling anything that’s doesn’t feel normal, talk to someone. It could be happiness to the point that it’s effecting your life in a negative way and still be PPD for all I know. Don’t let people or yourself tell you of course you’re emotional because you just had a baby. Even if it does turn out to be the baby blues, there’s no harm in talking to someone. Only in our society are women so isolated during the time when they need support the most.

Did you have postpartum depression? Did you experience anger and guilt as symptoms of your PPD? How were your other children or loved ones effected? What did you do that helped you cope? 

After Everyone Leaves

One of my first days all by myself with two children. Carrying them both in from the car sleeping.

All throughout the first week postpartum, I kept thinking how easy it was in comparison to what I thought it was going to be like. I was staying on top of things, my physical healing was much easier this time around, and emotionally I was feeling fantastic given all the hormones adjusting in my body. My husband was home, so he could help with Peanut. My friends and family were coming over and graciously offering to do housework for us. Twig was sleeping the majority of the day and surprisingly well at night (beyond the first night where she was awake for 5 hours in the night, she only woke a few times for an hour or so). I was getting to shower. My house was more messy, but not a catastrophe. Even Peanut, who wasn’t handling her world changing so dramatically well at all, was something I was able to handle.

Then everyone left.

My husband went back to work. People, for the most part, stopped coming over to visit. My in-laws went out of town and my mother went back to work. It’s like all my help was pulled out from under me all at once. Kaboom! Everyone’s gone.

But isn’t that how it works in our society? In other cultures, it’s normal to “baby” the mother, but in ours the focus is immediately shifted from the pregnant mom to the newborn, leaving little to no attention to the newly postpartum mother (thanks to Best of Babes for linking the article on Facebook). During a very difficult time in her life, both emotionally and physically, no one has much interest in her. Everyone wants to hold the baby, just occasionally asking the mom how she’s doing without any real interest.

Of course this is a more severe case than most of us experience. I had some wonderful people who came to visit and brought me dinner, cleaned my house, and just sat and talked with me. I am very thankful of all of the lovely people in my life. Just the act of listening does so much for a new mother.

But that’s just it, I’m still newly a mom of two. I’m still figuring out how to balance two children at once, one who is incredibly needy because she’s so new to this world and one who is incredibly needy because her world is now so new to her. I’m still trying to heal myself, especially in terms of my emotional health, which appears to be spiraling downward as time goes on (more on that in another post and don’t worry, I’m getting help). My house is becoming a bigger and bigger mess by the day, which just adds to these difficulties. Yet no one shows interest any more.

People have offered to come help, but I never take them up on it. I don’t know if it’s just me or a reflection of our society, but I find it very difficult to say “Yes, come do my dishes for me.” When people show up at my house and just start doing my dishes I even feel guilty. I don’t know why I’m so unwilling to actually ask for help either. I keep thinking of all the people who have offered and would happily come over and play with Peanut or vacuum my living room, but I can’t get myself to call. For some reason, the idea of calling actually makes me feel a little teary-eyed. That’s probably just the PPD though.

I honestly don’t even know the purpose of this post. My brain isn’t functioning fully at the moment, which makes sense. I guess I just wished that our society took care of new moms better. I wish people realized that it’s not just hard for the first couple of weeks, but rather for the first couple of months (if not more). I wish people cared more about the family as a whole rather than just the new baby.

I’ll leave you all with this great post from Code Name: Mama about things you can do for parents of a newborn.

Never Talk to a Newly Postpartum Woman About Pregnancy

Pregnancy is like a mean uncle (not referring to anyone in specific. I actually only have one uncle and he’s through marriage to my favorite aunt and he’s pretty awesome). You’re grumpy to him when he’s around, probably speak ill of him, and kind of wish you didn’t ever have to see him again. Then he dies. You’re probably sitting there thinking “good riddance” (if you’re anything like me) and wondering why everyone else is talking about how glorious he was and how much they miss him.

Then after a while you start to feel sad. You miss that dear uncle and feel that only if you had a second chance, things might be different. Let’s say–for the purpose of this analogy–you could bring him back! So you bring your glorous(ly mean) uncle back to life (not in the zombie way) and you’re so happy. Yay uncle is back! Wait… little did you know–after putting him on a pedestal in your little head–he’s still an asshole.

Yes, pregnancy is a wonderful, miraculous thing! Yes, I wouldn’t take back being pregnant for the world! I mean, at very least it brought my little Peanut to me. Part of my longs for the days when I could carry her around with me where ever I went, never having to be seperated. Part of me misses feeling her kicks inside of me. Part of me misses feeling like the superwoman who could create life. But now, at least for the time being (we do plan on having other children), the biggest part of me says thank goodness I’m not pregnant any more!!! So that’s it. Don’t talk to me about pregnancy for a while, at least if you don’t want to hear about how much it sucked!

Oh You Dreadful Muffin Top

Think you’ve gotten past your postpartum weepies? Try clothes shopping!

I set out in my day with two simple goals: shirts that allow easy bewbie access and do not in any way resemble The Dreaded Pregnancy Shirts and to find a pair of jeans that I don’t have to use a safety pin to close (yes, I was doing that). I walked into Targéa optimistic and walked out with the 1 out of 20+ items I tried on that I didn’t absolutely, entirely hate. Don’t get me wrong, I loves me some Targéa, but large stores that also carry food are probably not the best place to do my first post-pregnancy shopping–thanks MOM.

I ventured out again a few days later, this time to the mall with my husband. Oh, the joys of making a boy go to the mall. I felt oh so lucky that after the day of horrid OH MY HECK I DON’T EVEN FIT INTO SIZE 12?!?!? that the first store we tried was doing this new boy-sized girl-jeans thing. I found pants that I was entirely happy with–though I’m now thinking my fear of The Muffin Top causes me to buy one size too large. I also found 6 glorious shirt and 2 inappropriate-for-the-season-but-oh-so-cheap sweaters.

In other news, Peanut had her 4 month appointment. She weighs 11 lbs 7 oz, is 22 inches long, and her head is 15.5 inches around. What a fat-head. She got HIB, Rotavirus, and DTaP. She’ll get Hep B, Polio, and PC next month during a “nurse-only visit.” Doctor-man was impressed that she’s already rolling over. Also okay-ed the pool. I’m es-tight-ed.

Happy Mother’s Day

I get intimate with poop multiple times a day.

I place a mechanical object on my boob and get no pleasure from it.

My response to stains on my shirt is “she was sucking on it.”

My breasts are not my own–they’re not my husband’s either.

I want to cry every time I poo.

I’m always late for everything (wait, was I ever on time?).

I have stretch marks… on my CALVES?!?!?!

I haven’t blow dried my hair in weeks.

I have a vast collection of stuffed animals in my bedroom.

I can be quoted on saying “oh my GAWD, did you seriously just poop again?!?!”… daily.

I get way too excited when someone sticks her tongue out at me.

I carry around a huge bag of nonsensical things and I use it ALL.

I never sleep for more than three hours straight.

Sometimes I want to pull my hair out.

Sometimes I’m so happy that I cry.

I am mom. Hear me roar.

Our First Trip Out Without Peanut

Last night we went to see Franz Ferdinand. Even though it was really hectic and I was Oh My God Freaking Out before we left, I am so happy I went.

We woke up at 7:40 to go to the midwife. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since birth (only 2 in the last two weeks…) and pretty much everything I brought up in the visit was considered normal. I do need to go see a chiropractor though. After the midwife, we went and saw my dad. He loves Peanut so much.

With an already exciting day under our belt, we came home to prepare. The grandparents upstairs were the ones watching Peanut, so I really shouldn’t have been FREAKING OUT so much, but I worry. We brought up every thing they could possibly need and then I left (20 minutes late). Curtis and I went to the (fantastic!!!) concert. We had a bunch of fun. I hear Peanut was awake pretty much the entire time and they ran out of breast milk right before we got home (thank god). Overall, it went well. I’m really happy we took some time to ourselves.

Swing Swing Swing

We bought Peanut a swing.. I think she likes it. She smiled so big at me earlier today that I thought I was going to cry. It feels like she’s a real person now.

I’m amazed at how happy I’ve been feeling. I figured I would get major Postpartum Depression, but there’s no signs of it yet. I do feel kind of lonely. I just wish I had friends to hang out with. I mean, there’s the boys, but they’re not into the whole baby thing too much. Then my mom hangs out with me on her days off, but I feel like I don’t allow her any time to relax. Then Curtis is fricking awesome. I mean, seriously, I won the friggin’ lottery when it comes to husbands. He’s not home as much as I am though. I wish I had friends that were girls. Them having babies would be cool too, but oh well.

I want to work out. I really want to get on an eliptical and go at it. I should get a gym membership. Those cost money though. We don’t really have money right now.

Here’s some pictures of Easter and such!

Peanut in her pretty Easter dress before she peed all over it.

Great Grandpa Ed holding Peanut.

Great Grandma Jo holding Peanut.

Grandpa David holding Peanut (he has to wear a cloth over his clothes because smokes).

Four generations.

Peanut makes funny faces first thing in the morning.

Kerri wanted to be in the pictures too.

Peanut got a pretty bow!

She likes the Baby Einstein toy.

Lounging outside.

Please Stay Asleep

Dea has been awake for the last 6 hours. She has been crying and crying. I think the reason she was crying is because she needed to go to sleep, but was fighting it. She finally fell asleep, but who knows how long it’ll last.

I was reading in a magazine about how many couples are unhappy with their marriages after they have a baby. They said the biggest reason is division of duties.

I am actually very happy with my marriage. I believe part of the reason is we make sure to have little bits of us time. And though I take on the majority of the child-rearing duties, I’m okay with it.

The only thing that upsets me is his schooling. I wish that he would spend more time getting his schoolwork done. I don’t like him procrastinating and then staying up all night. But this is how he’s always been and how I’ve always felt. And I do get kind of frustrated when he comes home and ignores his homework while he plays games. Again, how it’s always been.

As an over all thing though, I’m very happy with my marriage.

I’m ALONE?!?!

It’s a blessed moment. Everyone (this obviously can’t include Bunny, since she is in her cage) are asleep in the room. This means that not only am I on the computer for the first time in DAYS (all blog posts have been made via iPhone), but I’m not bouncing a baby on my lap whilst trying to type.

Yesterday was a bad day. She has been super fussy since getting her Hep B shot (we’re guessing she’s just feeling flu-ish) and yesterday was no exception. She was crying and crying and OMFG CRYING. After going to the midwife in the morning (where everything seems to be a-okay), my mom picked us up and took us to breakfast. Then we went and saved my Aunt because the car broke down. My mother was furious with my Aunt, but it turns out that maybe the place that rotated the tires and such the other day might have “put it back together wrong.” What the fuck? Anywho, after all this excitement, I voted to go home and nap instead of going grocery shopping. Of course, by the time that we got home, happy-napping-baby was no longer happy-napping. So with some frustration, I gave up and went and got my prescriptions. Then I went to my mom’s, handed over the baby, and went and soaked in the tub for an hour. That was pretty kick ass.

While I was in Salt Lake yesterday, I decided to go get my iPhone checked out. It has been weird with not sensing me touching it sometimes and I dropped it the other day and so it had a funny line going across the screen. Apple is fantastic and replaced it even though the diagnosis was inconclusive (yay buying an expensive warranty!), but the problem is I have to update my phone to my computer to get all my info back… my computer which is broken. So now I’m super ansey to get my hard drive info all back in it’s place.

I am officially not making sense any more. PICTURES!

This is my poopy face.
Dancing!

This is what we call the “drunk on bewb” face.

Nom nom nom!

I Feel Like A Cow…

… because I’m sitting here pumping my boob. Quite an odd feeling, but if I want to see Franz Ferdinand in a couple weeks and go to school this summer, it will be a necessary evil.

Dea has been really fussy today. Maybe she feels crappy from the Hep B shot.

I woke up 2 days after giving birth and could breathe through my nose. I haven’t felt round ligament pain since pregnancy. My stomach has shrunk to the “is she pregnant?” size. Even my face has cleared up some. Yet, the backne persists. I really want it to go away, but I have no idea what to do. I’ve never had acne before.

Bah, I’m going to take a nap.