Tag Archives: Pregnancy Mood Swings

Two to Three

This started as a post about my relationship with Peanut and my fears on how it will change after Twig is born. How nearly every day she tells me “Mama, you’re my best friend.” and how I sincerely feel the same about her. How I’m concerned that I won’t be able to give her the love and attention that she needs once I have a newborn to care for on top of that.

Don’t get me wrong, that is still a huge part of it, but I realized it also in large part how we’ll change as a family once we go from three to four.

I’ve been re-reading The Baby Book to prepare myself for what it’s going to be like to have a newborn again and I’ve gotten to the section on after the baby is actually born. Even with all the preparing I’ve been doing for the early days when I’m constantly nursing and Peanut is bored and our house is a mess, I didn’t really comprehend how different it will really be until last night. How our lives will never be the same as parents of two children as opposed to one child.

How will I find time for intimacy with my husband? Yes, of course there’s sex, but more than just that. I think it took a full year after Peanut was born until we just sat down and cuddled again. At least that’s how I remember it in my mind. Even when we did find time for us as a couple, we were constantly interrupted by a baby then toddler. How will we even begin to find time to just sit down together and watch a movie when we have a toddler and a baby both pining for our attentions?

How will I give Peanut the time and focus she deserves? I already feel like a failure as a parent that she’s getting so much TV right now with me being hugely pregnant and just not wanting to move or leave the house. I found myself incredibly irritated at my in-laws the other day for letting her watch TV at their house until I stepped back and realized I wouldn’t have cared before because she wasn’t getting so much at home. I don’t think she’s gone a single day in the last two weeks without at least two episodes of Dinosaur Train. I know that my attention and energy will just be further drained when Twig arrives, so how do I possibly expect things to change? When I don’t even feel like sitting on the floor and playing with her now, how will I accomplish it when I have a newborn to hold at the same time?

I know that everyone is going to say that things just work. We’ll find a rhythm again and a family of four will be our new norm. I know the early days will be hard, but we’ll eventually get things figured out. I know that my concerns about giving my daughter enough and my husband enough will work themselves out as my heart opens further to welcome our new addition. I know all of this, yet I still sit her and worry and cry and feel awful for bringing this on my family. I was the one who really wanted another baby, so why am I the one crying about it?

Because I’m a huge ball (pun intended) of pregnancy emotions and acne and irritation and mood swings and aches. Because I haven’t had a normal night sleep in weeks and I know I won’t be getting one any time soon. Because I’m allowing myself to get stressed out about Christmas and Twig’s arrival and school and anything else that I can possibly be stressed about. Because I’m pregnant. Blah!

Are you going to have a water birth?

33 Weeks 1 Day

It’s a question that almost always follows the announcement that we’re giving birth at home. I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m not generally met with outrage. I think that more people would be upset if it weren’t already expected that we’re “the weird ones.” I think that most family and friends realize that our parenting decisions differ from the general populace and that we feel strongly about them. We’ve had the occasional question about safety and what not, but mostly people just accept that we’re going to do what we do.

What surprises me though is when strangers don’t react. Somehow it ends up coming up in a conversation (e.g. “What hospital are you going to give birth at?”) or my proud mother decides to tell the world. :-P Either way it ends up coming up in general conversation more than I thought it ever would. Weirdly, the reaction generally isn’t shock or disgust, but “Are you planning on a water birth?” Somehow home birth and water birth appear to have gotten intertwined, at least in my neck of the woods.

What’s my answer? Maybe. Yeah, I’m awesomely non-committal like that.

I have no idea what I’ll feel like doing when I’m in labor. How would I possibly know? From what everyone says, the water is great when you’re in labor. Personally, I didn’t really like it last time. That may have been because I didn’t use it late enough in labor (the only tub was in my in-laws’ bathroom and I didn’t feel like disturbing them late at night, especially when I didn’t think I was close to birth yet). It could be that Peanut was posterior. I have no idea, I just know that I filled the tub and got back out within a few minutes because it just wasn’t helping me. What helped me was being on all fours in the shower and counter-pressure.

So who knows if it’ll help this time. Maybe it’ll be a lifesaver like everyone says it is. Maybe I’ll be disappointed with it’s lack of effectiveness again. Maybe I’ll be in an out of it and happen to be out when I want to push. So I’m planning on having on having it available (my midwife says that she has a kiddie pool that works perfect for birth and we can borrow), but I’m not going to make any decisions on what I want to do with it until I’m there. Like so many things with labor, it just varies.

I am now 33 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am feels So. Incredibly. Pregnant. I seriously can’t understand how I have another two months to go! I’m sleeping all the time, still have heartburn like crazy, am irrationally irritable (though doing better on the “mean mommy” front I would say), and just sooooo uncomfortable. I don’t remember feeling like this so early last time.

I also don’t remember being so bit. I’ve been sneaking baths in the jacuzzi tub at both my in-laws’ and my parents’ whenever we go over there (our tub is pathetically small) and they both have very large mirrors that go lower than mine does. When I’m getting ready to get it the tub, I literally look at myself and think “Holy crap! When did I get this big?!?” I’ve on multiple occasions thought about having my husband come up and marvel at my large-ness, but then realize that he sees it every day. Even with feeling huge, I amazingly don’t feel fat. Honestly, the acne on my back bothers me more than my size. I still feel like my pregnant body is beautiful.