Tag Archives: Wording

I’m So Proud

Peanut built this tower all by herself. Should I be proud?

Proud.

Truly, it’s the definition of a loaded word. At first glance, it’s a happy word. It’s a good, nice, bright feeling. When I think of the word proud, I imagine someone with light bursting out of their chest. It fills you.

But is that all proud means? I think not. Proud also implies that there was an action to get there. And it’s not just any action, but one above and beyond expectations. To see my child color in her coloring book, I may feel happy. To see her draw a circle by herself, I feel proud.

It’s also kind of a selfish feeling, isn’t it? You feel proud because you somehow helped this person to commit the action deemed worthy. Often, pure genetic contribution is al it takes. I feel proud that my child can draw a circle. I don’t feel proud that your child can draw a circle, unless I taught them how.

Really though, the biggest implication of this seemingly simple word is the possibility of the lack of it. We’ll call that un-proud. And, if it takes an extraordinary action to produce the feeling, that means that you’re un-proud the majority of the time. Is being un-proud of my child a bad thing? Is it a negative emotion? It can certainly be construed that way and an argument can be made for it.

So, this is what goes through my head every week at story time. As we sing the song that we’ve sung every week, which says multiple times “won’t my mommy be so proud of me,” I wonder what message we are giving our children. Do they need to “make us proud” to get them excel? Do they need to judge themselves based on their parents feelings? What about intrinsic motivation? I don’t want my child excelling in school because I feel proud, I want her to excel in school because that’s what she wants.

Words matter. Beyond that, how you word something matters. Where I would never tell my child she’s a “good girl” (implying that if she weren’t to do whatever she just did, she would be a “bad girl”), I can get the correct message across by telling her “Thank you so much for bringing me a burp rag for sister.” Rather than telling her I’m proud of her, I can easily say “That’s a lovely tower you built and you did it all by yourself.” So many words are loaded, and proud is one of them.

Are there any words that you avoid saying to your children because what they imply? Do you have any other great examples of showing appreciation to your child without using praise? 

Reading Between the Lines

This post is more for my non-lactivist readers. Really, you lactivists out there can try to help people not say it too by spreading the word. The correct wording comes so second nature to me now, but it’s the number one thing that I see people do that shows we’re obviously a bottle-feeding country. It’s a simple thing and the people who say it are well meaning, but hearing it on a regular basis unconsciously promotes the notion that breastfeeding is bad.

How we refer to food when speaking about a nursling.

If you were telling a breastfeeding mother that you gave her child a piece of apple, how would you describe it? This probably isn’t something you even think about when you’re trying to convey that message, but your wording can easily be offensive. I can think of countless times that someone words this wrong and it’s frustrating. Since it’s not something that’s blatantly anti-breastfeeding, I feel awkward to even correct them. Actually, many times when people word it wrong they are trying to acknowledge our breastfeeding relationship and show that they support it. Talk about ironic.

Example #1: “Peanut seemed hungry for some food food.” The italics show emphasis. What exactly does food food mean? If you’re using food as an adjective to describe the food you gave her, wouldn’t that say that my breast milk isn’t food? Under that circumstance, what exactly is my breast milk? I’m fairly sure that breast milk is as food as food gets considering the fact that it’s the most well-rounded nutrition that Peanut will ever experience.

Example #2: “I gave Peanut some real food.” Whoa, really? This one is by far the one I hear the most and you would be surprised how well meaning the people who say it actually are! Even as I typed that on the page, I felt offended. This is pretty impressive with out much it takes to offend me. I have had some of the biggest breastfeeding supporters around me say the phrase “real food”. It takes everything in my being to not snap back “So is my breast milk fake food?” Alas, I do not because I would like to maintain my few good relationships. Then of course the shyness prevents me from saying anything at all to explain to them the offense they’ve causes. Ho-hum.

So what should you say instead?

It’s so simple! You will be amazed and awestruck at the simplicity of these alternatives!

Alternative #1: “Peanut seemed hungry for solid food.” Why yes, my breast milk is liquid! Liquid is the opposite of solid (we’re leaving gas out of this for the sake of the analogy)!

Alternative #2: “I gave Peanut some table food.” Ah-ha! It is food that you would likely eat on the table! *Insert flabbergasted faces here*

Alternative #3: “I gave Peanut an apple.” What? You can just describe the food as what it actually is? I bet that this will even eliminate the later need to describe what type of food you gave the child (because I sure want to know what you gave my child)! Soooo good! (teehee, I need to watch that again)

So the next time that you’re telling a mother about what you fed her child, mind your words. Really, it’s always good to keep a mind on your words. :-P Also, try to spread the word. If you’re not a breastfeeding mom, you’d be surprised how many people say anti-breastfeeding things without meaning to. I know, you probably feel awkward about it, but you will feel less awkward with time and that’s the beginning of societal change.